Learning to define and redefine success
And what the universally relatable parts of this existential question are
I remember being in high school and googling, “How do I figure out the purpose of my life?”
There was one exercise that prescribed writing down possible life purposes until one answer finally made me break down. I tried this exercise over and over again to no avail, and a small part of me wondered, perhaps I didn’t have a purpose to my life.
As the years went by, this question continued to linger in the back of my mind. I’d discuss it with others when given a chance and I never heard a particularly inspiring answer from anyone. However, as part of this research, I realized that everyone took a very different lens to interpreting the question: some overcomplicated, some oversimplified, and others yet would take it in entirely different directions. As I’ve gotten older, instead of feeling frustrated by the lack of clarity, I’ve learned to appreciate the ambiguity.
Ultimately, what I’ve come to realize is that defining life purpose and success are two sides of the same coin. I’ve learned that some people’s answers to this question are going to shock me and fundamentally put into question some of my own values. And importantly, I’ve also come to recognize that it isn’t on me to challenge their answers.
Instead, as a friend and a thought partner, I can and should engage on how they got to that answer. Understanding the process that they took to that answer is infinitely more valuable both to them and to me.
Through these conversations, here’s what I’ve learned is universally applicable, no matter the answer to “What is my life’s purpose” or “How do I define success”:
Start with understanding what makes me happy. For me, this entails feeling physically well and having a full heart from spending quality time with loved ones. Other answers I’ve heard include feeling intellectually engaged and being a productive part of society.
Think backwards from a hypothetical deathbed. What are the things I will regret the most if I never got to them? What will be the biggest topic on my mind then? Will it be the lasting legacy I’ve left for my family, my friends, or professionally? Is there anything here that wasn’t covered by what makes me happy? If so, how do I reconcile the different domains?
Avoid autopilot. It can be so easy to live life on auto-renew, whether that’s with respect to your job, your home, or your social life. There need to be breaks in the routine that force a reassessment of whether things are working really well or just working fine.
Make time for thinking about success/life purpose. I like to use birthdays or new years as moments for really thinking about these questions, both for myself and my loved ones. I’m sure some of my friends roll their eyes at me when I bombard them with reflection questions on their birthdays, but it’s one of the most fundamental and universal topics that we have the privilege of contending with, and it deserves that front row seat to our time.
When the gut feeling is there, find external courage to be true to that instinct. I’ve been in situations where I felt like I was on the wrong path but I was scared to step away from it. It sometimes stemmed from insecurity about my own abilities or at other times, from a fear of deviating from the “correct” path in life. I’ve recognized that external sources of courage go a long way in helping me follow my gut. Without these, I would never have woken up on certain days with the conviction to make some big decisions. These external sources of courage have come in quite a few forms:
Role models who’ve made unconventional decisions such as quitting their jobs, pursuing freelancing, going back to school, going into lower paying fields or non-white collar roles, to give me comfort that it is feasible and the tradeoffs are worth it (and to serve as beacons of inspiration when I lie in bed sleeplessly late at night). I’ve identified these people in my life and I shamelessly bombard them with questions, I learn as much as I can about their lives and how they’ve made it work, and I go to them when I worry that I’m doing life too unconventionally.
Mentors who firmly believe in my abilities, to lift me up on the days when I worry that I do not have the right skillset or qualities. Sometimes this is reassurance that my backup plan is solid and I should trust that there is a safety net to fall back on; on other days, this is the confidence boost that I need to know that I can charge ahead.
Friends who are excited to live vicariously through my adventures, to give me the enthusiastic cheerleading on the days when I feel frustrated. Sometimes they’re just there to listen to me rant, but most often, they remind me of the upside to what I’m pursuing and point out what a special opportunity I have (which they may not have). Ultimately, they remind me to take nothing for granted.
Family, partner(s), or other close friends who are willing to step in and be accountable for me – particularly, financially. Of everything on this list, this is the one to especially never be taken lightly. I’ve never taken it for granted, and I’ve invested countless hours in direct conversations to know where the boundaries are and how far each person on this list is willing to go to have my back. Life is pretty gnarly to navigate on your own and having 1-2 people on this list makes a huge difference.
All in all, I hope that these tidbits help you all on the journey of defining success. It’s an ever-moving target, and I think that’s part of the beauty of life. Personally, there are few things that scare me as much as the idea of living an unexamined life and not taking the time to figure out what a good life looks like – every day is a chance to build a good life, and every day unexamined is a day wasted.
The answer to the big question can be deceptively simple, and there’s no shame or badness in that.
Here’s what I landed on the last time I tried to summarize my life purpose:
To be free to do what I want with confidence: to coach, connect with, and care for others both personally and professionally, while still having time for an organized family life and reflection.
It’s a little wordy, but as I look at it almost four years after I wrote it, it still resonates. I expect it to change as time goes on, and perhaps the emphasis will fall on different parts or perhaps the way I word it will be entirely different. But at any rate, I’m happy to have this constant work-in-progress north star to guide my life.
If this resonated, I’d love to hear from you – chime in with your thoughts: