On owning your identity and what is uniquely yours
An interview with Grace Young
Note: Interview pieces are intended to showcase interesting perspectives and voices and will not always represent my opinions
A few weeks ago, I sat down with Grace Young, a college classmate. When I first started my blog, Grace reached out to share how much the newsletter title resonated with her. She’s been an avid supporter of this Substack since the beginning and recently offered to share some of her perspective.
It is impossible to describe anyone in a few sentences and do them justice, but here is a bit about Grace:
Grace is not just a very successful professional, but also a salary negotiation coach for underserved populations, a survivor of sexual assault, and a model. In her career so far, she’s been a part of three startups that have seen great exits. She currently works as a fractional executive and independent consultant for B2B healthcare data and marketing businesses. Grace is Hong Kong American and has a truly unique perspective on her experience in the working world.
When I set out and chose this controversial title for my newsletter, I always knew that the question of “What would a white man do?” would be extremely nuanced and different for each person. There was never going to be one clear, right answer and that’s why today I’m sharing some food for thought with a different perspective.
Grace and I talked about a number of topics and I’m sharing them here as close to verbatim as possible.
Isabella: Grace, what would be helpful for my readers to know about your life story and work background before we jump into other questions?
Grace: To start with, I accidentally got very far in my career, very young. This is because I took a leave of absence during college due to a mental health crisis after I was sexually assaulted. In the time off, I held my first full time job, which got me a headstart in the professional world.
I believe in “Dating for career, working for love.” I’ve always dated people in domains related to my own sphere of work, and I am one of the remaining supporters of treating your team as family.
Lastly, I grew up in a traditional Chinese family. My grandma did not have a high school education because she came from a poor farming family, and my grandpa didn’t finish high school either due to WWII.
Isabella: You mentioned the idea of “harnessing what is uniquely yours.” What is uniquely yours?
Grace: Let me start with an example. I saw a panel once that included a panelist who was the only woman from the Foursquare executive team. She talked about knowing that she wouldn’t have gotten that job if she hadn’t been a woman but she really owned it. She framed it as, “So what if that’s what led me to the C-suite? I’m going to ride that wave.” The way I think about it is that maybe they are hiring me for diversity. But if they are, then let me harness that and ride that all the way through.
The other thing that I heard once is that women who are considered conventionally attractive go through life with a unique experience, essentially as a different species. I’ve noticed that at networking events, people want to talk to me because they want to date me. I am well aware of this, and I’ve leveraged it to uncover job and other opportunities for myself. I choose to dress a specific way: I want to look “hot professional,” not frumpy. Doing this has gotten me into a lot of rooms I wouldn’t have been in otherwise. Similarly, in my realm of work, many meetings take place over drinks. There is often a grey area of is this a date or is this a meeting? And men in my professional world frequently use the word “charming” to describe me. I’ve learned to not care if I am getting something out of it.
If I think more broadly about my experience as an Asian woman, there’s definitely also the benefit of affinity groups that are unique to us that others don’t have. I believe that if you have the diversity card, you should play it, just as men play their cards to get ahead. As an example, if a man knows someone on the team who can give them a leg up, they’ll use that benefit without thinking twice. Also, since women tend to be more interested in recruiting and generally playing a part in the hiring process (which men usually find laborious and dislike doing), we then have an outsized influence on who gets hired. We should be using this to our advantage.
All of this said, I have two other thoughts:
I am hyperaware that the parts of me that can be weaponized – when I harness what is uniquely mine – can also be a liability. Sexual harassment is a big part of my experience but there have also been times when being an attractive woman has made me the favorite, and it’s a lot easier to ask for a raise or a certain title.
If you get promoted into something because of representation gaps, and you are underqualified, then do it anyway if you think that’s your best shot forward. It’s not an easy situation to be in, and it’s crucial that you treat the others who didn’t get promoted with awareness and respect and be humble enough to learn from them. Keep your eyes wide open and take the responsibility of identifying and closing the gaps in your own abilities in this scenario.
Isabella: What does channeling your inner “white man” mean to you?
Grace: I’ll start by saying that embodying the “white man” mindset doesn’t work for everyone. It can be very mentally taxing to play this game as for most people, it doesn’t come naturally to be so deliberate in your day-to-day work life. To really take on this mindset, you have to be very political and calculating about your approach: what you wear, how you do your makeup, how you speak, etc. I do this all the time when I approach my work, but perhaps better generalized advice is to turn your biggest liability or weakness into your biggest strength.
As an example, I have a friend who speaks in a way that others have described as making her seem dumb. She got feedback about this and instead of changing how she speaks, she realized that she could use this to her advantage. She noticed that others often spoke freely around here at work and she learned a lot about different teams and perspectives and plans at work. She learned to keep her ear to the ground and that became a huge step up for her at work.
Isabella: What is some of the advice that you give out the most often?
Grace: I’ve got a couple:
Let people say no to you: never say no yourself. Just ask, whether it’s asking for the upgrade, applying to the new job, etc. Don’t limit your own options and don’t be afraid of external rejection. You’re rejecting yourself and writing yourself out of the opportunity by not even trying.
Act with the audacity (“caucacity”) of a mediocre white man, though make sure not to lose your empathy for others along the way.
I like to say, “Say yes first, then figure it out later.” I don’t believe in balance – rather, I believe in synergy. Go all in with 100% rather than compromising 50/50. Don’t just do a little bit of everything, and remember that time expands to fit what you want to put into it.
Don’t treat others the way you want to be treated. This is flawed logic. You should treat others the way they want to be treated. In the same vein, not all feedback applies to everyone, and if you receive feedback that doesn’t resonate, you don’t have to take it. As a manager, manage people individually. Do not treat everyone you manage the same way. Understand the unique cultural context for each person.
As an example of this final piece of advice, I was given feedback (by a white man) that the way I ask questions is very overwhelming because I tend to ask multiple questions in a row. I explained that this was because once I give up the floor, I don’t expect to be able to regain the group’s attention so I try to get all my questions in at once. Is this ideal? Certainly not. It’s also certainly not a white man’s experience because people will likely still listen to them after one of their questions is answered. But at the end of the day, it’s what I have to do to make it work for me.
Isabella: Do you have any final closing thoughts for my readers?
Grace: I’ve noticed that women tend to be each other’s worst enemies, especially at executive leadership levels. The subconscious mindset is that the boardroom can only contain one woman, so they/we tend to gatekeep and keep other women out. However, a white man would never do that to other white men. So I’d love to see us acting more like white men in this way and having more of an abundance mindset instead of sabotaging each other and fracturing what could be a powerful coalition/tribe.
As well, we are a protected group. There are legal protections that exist for women and for people of color, disabled folks, queer folks, and older folks (and in some states, younger folks). This means that in certain situations, we can take legal action if we haven’t been treated fairly.